On Value

One of the most consistently commented-upon cultural differences between the US and Mexico is the perception of time. In Mexico (and most every Latin American country), time is free—that’s an actual saying! Where I come from, time is money. I wrote a post about this when I was in Chile, so I’ve been thinking about different concepts of time for a while now. In Chile I was focused on the wonderful ways that this “time is free” attitude challenges and grows me, on the way that it makes me take a deep breath and drop my stress-laden shoulders back to where they should be. But here in Mexico, I’m thinking about this time thing in a new light.

I suppose before I was focused on the divide in cultural personalities; we are rushed and they are mellow. I thought about it in a very self-depreciating way, thinking that it is Americans who need to learn to stop and smell the roses. Of course, we do. But recently I’ve begun to understand just why this Mexican disregard for time is so irritating to Americans: We feel devalued.

When a client is 25 minutes late to a meeting and I am forced to sit and wait until they arrive, it feels to me that they believe their time is more valuable than mine, that I am not important to them. Since to me time is money, their waste of my time seems to me a profession that I am of little worth. Mexicans, however, don’t internalize time in this way.

The need to feel valued by others is so essential to us as people. To value someone is to acknowledge and accommodate them. It’s how we express love to each other and give meaning to each other’s lives. It is so affirming to me when people tell me they enjoy reading my blog. Of course the compliment is nice, but what really makes me feel good is that you are showing up to witness my life. You are taking part in it with me, sharing my experience and affirming that things that I think have significance. And this is honoring and valuing to me.

Tonight I walked into my bedroom and the overhead light was on. It had never worked before, and after changing the light bulb to no avail I had assumed the light switch just didn’t work. It wasn’t really a big deal, but because I only have a little lamp and my window is blocked in by a concrete wall, it has always been really dark in my room. I was so excited about this that I ran outside to tell the boys. “Guys, I just flipped the light switch and suddenly it works!” They raised their eyebrows and pushed the corners of their lips down, saying cool and great but not really getting why this news was important. I get it—they never knew the light didn’t work in the first place and they’ve never been affected by my room being dark. It was a trivial, trivial thing, but I was happy and I wanted to share my happiness with someone. It’s like when you find a penny—it doesn’t really matter, but you tell whoever you’re with anyway just because they are there. But as I was walking back into my room, Kurt said:

I don’t care.

The boys burst into a fit of laughing that lasted a few minutes. Kurt was so proud of his joke, and every time it seemed the laughter had died they would remember the moment and get going again. I stood there for a few seconds feeling totally stupid and embarrassed, and then sat down at the table with my back to them so they wouldn’t see the rising color in my face. Ryan said, “Dude I think she heard you. I think she’s mad.” I turned around. “I’m right here guys, of course I heard you. I can still hear you.” Kurt has a quick wit, and the things he says at the expense of others can really hurt. He’s said things like this before, and this is the last straw for me.

I turn around, totally vulnerable. I tell him how I feel, that I was just excited at my discovery and didn’t think about how mundane it was. I tell him that I feel stupid, that the words he said were devaluing to me. He says “I’m sorry if you feel that way,” which isn’t actually an apology but rather a message that he thinks my feelings are illegitimate, that my feelings are the result of an over-sensitive and inaccurate contortion of what he said. If I feel that way, I am overreacting to his words and to his laughter at my expense, which were completely innocent.

We all need to be valued and affirmed, but I never really thought about it until tonight. Telling Kurt that he devalued me just kind of spilled out of my mouth, but once it did I was hit by the impact of those words. Isn’t being affirmed and valued by others one of the most meaningful parts of the human experience?

I’ve realized that maybe that’s why I love my work so much. Unfortunately our world ties personal worth to financial worth. Microfinance affirms people’s personal worth by giving them access to financial services. By providing poor people with access to capital, I am telling them that they are worth investing in, that they have value and can create businesses of value.

I suppose the purpose in all of this is to encourage all of you to start paying attention to the things that you do to value and affirm people, and the things that make you feel valued.
As always, thank you for being a part of my life by reading this blog.
I love you all so!

Amy